HE NEVER NOTICES ME

How are you my people?I hope life is good on your end. I can say mine is. I am breathing, i can walk and all that so i thank God. You should too.Have i ever mentioned my habit of just staring at people to gauge their behavior? Well, if i haven’t i,will today.

So,i was walking to school the other day,tired as hell because i take two buses to get to school and that amounts to two hours minimum of travelling to school and another two travelling back home,i am not complaining. I am totally used to the struggle. So as i was saying ,i was walking to school from the bus stop when i saw a group of four people. Two girls and two boys. I’ve seen them around school so i know they are students. I bet normal people would just mind their own business but i am who i am so i slowed down to study them. I noticed some cycle that was a bit funny but i could totally relate to. They seemed to be friends who were used to each other but there was one particular girl that seemed taken by one of the guys. She didn’t exactly throw herself at him but i base my argument on how i would behave. She would engage in the conversation all of them were having but she seemed to get lost in the middle of it all. When no one was looking she would look at the guy from head to toe like she wanted to take in how exactly he looked like from when he smiled to when he was being serious. This would surely take some time so i pretended to search for my school identification card as i took in the scene not so far from where i was standing. It would have been better if the guy looked at her the way she did but unfortunately, the guy was too smitten by the other girl to even notice. This i realize might sound confusing so i’ll give the guy a name,Brian. I couldn’t even think of any other name. Brian had no idea that one of his female friends was checking him out while he was busy flirting with the other girl. Ouch! I feel that girl because i have been in the exact same situation.Of being ignored.I know men are not angels to know that a girl is crushing on them…that we should probably say something but no,personally, i wouldn’t.

Not long ago, i met a guy. At first not personally but i used to see him around town. In my opinion, he is very good looking and trust me i never get these things wrong. I don’t believe in that story that beauty is in the beholder’s eyes or something. If you are good looking,you are,full stop. So after a while of always checking him out, a mutual friend happened to introduce us. It was totally unplanned, i promise. I was even a little bit shaggy and i kinda wish he hadn’t seen me that way,maybe,just maybe things would have turned out different and guess what,we became instant buddies. Thinking back, i realize he probably treated me like his bro friends because we were too friendly with each other and not once did he try to flirt with me.Of course i figured this was normal though i had the biggest crush on him and i always complimented him and all that and he would just hug me or just pat my head playfully like u would to a good ole dog. It was enough for me until we happened to bump into each other when i was with one of my really pretty friends. I can tell you for a fact that all my female friends always seem to be really pretty. I introduced them and to be honest i have never regretted anything the way i regretted introducing them. He said,”you are so pretty,mlijuliana wapi na Phenny” I almost asked him if i was not pretty too. Thank God for my wisdom, i just laughed with them but my laughter already sounded foreign to my ears and of course they didn’t notice, It was just me.

Ever since that day, the guy seemed to text me more and also ask if my friend is okay, ask if i’ll be free to hang out and that my friend could tag along too. At some point i felt so used. Has anyone of you seen Duff? The movie? If you haven’t, you should. I felt like the duff. Since i didn’t want to look like like a cock blocker i would just arrange the meetings and he would bring a friend of his to keep me company. A different one everyday. I can’t tell you how bad i used to feel every time he flirted with her, laughed with her, handle her like a perfect gentleman. I felt all the negative things you could think of. Sad,left out,angry,ugly…Oh God. I wondered why he hadn’t asked for her number yet, i bet he didn’t want to blow his chances with her so i gave it to him so that i wouldn’t know when they met or what they planned to do. There is a time the girl once came to tell me that he had said hi. Didn’t he have my number because he didn’t even text me anymore. I would just receive the greetings from my pretty friend who thought he was cute and gentle. What happened to the rowdy guy i knew. He had changed overnight.

We grew further apart with that guy and would only say an occasional hello when we see each other. I had even thought he would propose marriage to her but they didn’t even get to the dating stage. Should i feel bad for the guy? I feel like i should but i don’t feel bad for him.I feel bad for my self. I am disappointed in myself for letting my world revolve around his. I should have known that i wasn’t ugly just because he didn’t notice me like i wanted. I should have set my priorities right the moment i realized it’s not me he wanted. I should have moved on but instead i stayed and kept hoping. Hoping for a guy who forgot me the moment a pretty girl got into the picture. I am not angry at them, i am just disappointed in myself for not knowing my worth,so,message to all the girls out there. Do not stoop too low for a guy who doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve. You are beautiful in all ways possible. If your crush doesn’t see it,someone else will so don’t make decisions you’ll regret just because you want to please a person who only seeks friendship. Lets all realize our worth and love ourselves as we are. This goes to the men too, it could be you longing for a girl that would never be yours. This is my real talk for today. Happy new year by the way cause this is my first write this year. I promise i’ll try to be more constant.

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