Today is Sunday and I can’t get myself to go to Church. Everyone has left to go praise God but here I am, stuck. I am in my room and I can’t get myself to draw the curtains. For months now I have been thinking off cutting all connections with people to be by myself but I can’t. I am seated here,stuck. Not being able to write or find a job or help around the house I am feeling helpless and useless at the same time. That is what happens when you face problem after problem.
The other day someone asked me if I have ever been through depression and I laughed. I have fought my demons so long I can’t even remember when the war in my mind started. It was a question that stirred up emotions in my chest. Emotions I am always trying so hard to control. Those emotions that want to make you lash at everyone and everything and blame them for everything that is happening to you. Blame them for being stuck, blame them for wanting that cool camera so bad but you can’t afford it,blame them for wanting so bad to eat out but as far as you are concerned your pockets have been empty for as far as you remember.
Imagine wanting so bad to attend an event or even accept that ‘will you go out with me’ invitation but being unable to afford your own fare. Cancelling all kinds of fun plans because you know better than to ask for your parents help knowing that they are also fighting their own demons. It’s such a shame that anyone out there would go through this. I don’t want to see anyone ever suffer like this. I don’t want to ever hear anyone going hungry or not being able to afford a different type of meal every night. Where one lives on Ugali and skuma because that is the only thing available. It’s unfortunate.
I guess it’s good that the whole of 2019 has been a hard year for us where we’ve jumped off a cliff hoping that water will break our fall instead we’ve fallen on hard ground. It’s true that you know your friends when you are in your hardest of times. It’s been harder to see my parents suffer even after their good deeds to people who are well off today. I have learnt who to trust and who not to trust. I have learnt the hard way that when you help you shouldn’t expect a payback because you’ll starve waiting. I have learnt that God can come through in the most unconventional ways possible. I have learnt that blood is heavier than water but friends can be closer than a brother.
Back again to what is happening to me. Many people have asked why I don’t go to Church anymore but as hard as I try to explain, I am unable to come up with a perfect answer. I love God,so much. If it were not Him I wouldn’t be as sane as I am today. All the things I have heard to go through alone or together with my family I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t have Him but I am unable to get myself into a well lit room with everyone praising God. I can’t and I am unable to figure out why. My relationship with God is something I can’t explain either. It’s a friendship where no matter how angry I am at Him for letting us go through this i still thank Him for life and for even letting us come this far despite the challenges. I don’t know what He has to say about the battles that are raging inside my head but what comforts me everyday is knowing that He loves me.
I don’t know where I am going with this or why I am writing this in the first place but I feel like sharing this with someone, anyone and I know that I might have said too much but just bear with me. It’s hard to speak about this, it never sounds right. Everyone is always telling you they’ve either been through this or worse but I don’t want anyone telling me that this is just a small hurdle. I just want you to listen, that’s all. I know some people have been through worse but everyone is different.
I have read this three times and i can’t seem to make sense of any of this but i am going to post it anyway. I am stuck in a pool of emotions and a world that is moving forward whereas i want to lock myself up in my room and not get out until things are better but you don’t always get what you want, do you?
HAVE A BLESSED SUNDAY, and spend your money while it’s still there.