Hey guys, I really do miss you and I am so disappointed in myself for not bringing my A-game to this platform. I might want to blame my problems forever but at some point it’s just me having not figured out who exactly I want to be and how exactly I am going to do it. I have no plan whatsoever and that is what is costing my hobbies.
I have had to change so much of what I want to do that it has gotten to a point that I am confused and doubting myself but this way I know it’s going to work. I read somewhere that if you fear something that’s a sign that you should do it. I don’t know if that makes sense but to me it makes sense in that whatever plans I will have for next year scare the shit out of me. Is it going to be difficult for me? Am I going to give up like I have so many times this year against my will or what’s going to happen. I don’t know, I believe God knows what’s best for us. So let me live in faith knowing that I’ll do those scary things anyway.
I already feel bored writing this so in my heart I believe this piece is quite boring, forgive me. Today I just woke up wanting to relay the message not caring about grammar or on a scale of 10 how interesting my writing was. To be honest I just want to get done with it and that’s so sad considering how much I love writing. I swear if this year was a year to learn, the studies were so hard to understand I might have come out with nothing.
The lessons I have learnt this year have been bitter. I have lost good friends, made new good ones probably better than the ones before who knows but this is the year I have sinned the most honestly and i am so sorry. I wish i wouldn’t have let my problems get to my head but i guess i did let my problems get to my head and now trying to make myself better sucks. It’s so hard because you can’t turn back time or rewind. You just have to move on and try to figure out stuff again on how you are going to make things better.
I want to move on so bad but I am still wishing I could rewind so I could not have done some things I did. You know I am here thinking of ways I could embrace who I am fully by next year but there are so many options and little ways of how to do it. Plus,in my mind I am thinking, how many people will I have to offend and hurt to be who I am? Should i do it anyway? I think i am going to do it anyway.
This year I have hurt so bad, I have realized the extent of my feelings in terms of family and friendship and I realized I am not as cold as I thought I was. I feel a lot, I can probably try to move mountains if I have to just for the success of the ones I care about but it has drained me so bad i have lost myself. All this time I have tried to figure my self out and these new friends i have made have helped me learn so much about myself, especially my writing circle. I think i should mention them.
There is Amanda the beautiful writer who loves partying a lot to be honest, don’t worry dad,mom, she hasn’t influenced me yet, their is Kimathi the medical student who I still have a grudge against even though I usually don’t hold grudges but I have a right to. That lie you told me,mmmmh. But the love is not lost, you are still one of my favourite writers and Steve Biko. I think you should probably get the award of the year. For a guy I haven’t met the impact you’ve made in my life has been priceless. The conversations, the reads and all that have made me know so much about myself in such a short time it’s surprising. May you find the Joy in your life and may the Joy work out for you. That doesn’t sound good but I am sure you get it. Those are I guess my top 3 new friends.
Of course I have my old buddies who have become closer as the year goes by but I won’t be mentioning them because they are quite a number and some might bring conflicts 😁😁😁 I am surely not ready to answer hard questions from people who I would have probably left out of the list but know this. New and old friends alike. From my designer friends, to pastor friends, to church friends, to Marathon friends, from ex lover to friend…friends, to black rose with thorns🌹 I love you all so much and I truly appreciate all that you have done in my life and before i forget, Jellow,mellow 😄😄 How could I forget you👊👊 If I have not mentioned you and we are close don’t worry,you are in my heart and I love you too. I sound so cheesy and for that reason alone I am ending this post.
I am planning on this being my last post this year. Hope I’ll get to start over next year. This year I am tired of deadlines and worries. I just want to follow the current for once and see where it takes me. When I am back I’ll hopefully have good news so wherever you are and if you truly care let’s pray for each other. Let’s pray for a better beginning next year and of course a successful and monied December if you know what I mean. Bye all…till my next post. I love you guys for real. I always love my supporters. May you be the best version of yourselves come next year.